If you don't have anything good to say....

My mom always said that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. That is how I've felt this past two weeks. It has been one set back after another.

Since my last post, things have been up and down. The swelling finally went down from the initial infection. I went back in last Thursday to finish the root canal up. Apparently, the dentist was having a very bad day. He wasn't as gentle or reassuring as he was last time. And the assistant must have been new because she had no idea how to run the nitrous machine.

He did the whole thing, took an X-ray and then decided he didn't like how it looked so he took the whole thing back out and started over again. Of course this whole time I am on either a crazy high dose of nitrous or such a low dose that I knew everything that was happening. It was horrible. He didn't give me any after care and just walked out when he was done. I felt like crap from having my tooth tugged and pulled on for so long and the nitrous was messing with me.

It has been a long road. Saturday we went shopping with my mother in law and by the time we got home, my gum was all swollen again. To say that I lost it is an understatement. I was so frustrated with the whole situation. I called the emergency number and they called in yet another antibiotic prescription.

I don't know if it is the antibiotic, the infection, residual effects of the nitrous, or a completely unrelated issue, but I have barely been able to function the past few days. Everything in my body hurts. It is almost impossible to walk upstairs, I can't take my clothes off easily, and I feel sick all the time.

I am throwing myself a pretty big pity party over here. I am hoping that getting rid of this infection will help me feel better, but I am doubting it right now. Plus I still have quite a bit of work to do which I am dreading after all these side effects.

So this post isn't all gloom and doom, here is a picture of my cuties to brighten your day!

The week from you know where

I hate the dentist. I had an evil one when I was younger who didn't believe that Novocain was important so either he wouldn't use it at all or he would be very stingy with it. I was so scared of the pain that I never really went back. I have tried a few other dentists over the years, but was still so scared that I never really followed through on anything.

After so many years of neglect, I finally decided that if I am going to make my health a priority this year I need to suck it up and find a dentist that I can be comfortable with. I looked around for months and finally found one that does sedation dentistry and is covered by our insurance. Score!

So, last Tuesday I went in for the initial X-rays and to set up a treatment plan. I knew that I would need a lot of work. You can only ignore something for so long before it starts to cause you problems. From the moment I walked in the door I felt comfortable. I was taken back and they did a bunch of X-rays before the dentist came in. He asked all kinds of questions about why I was so scared, what my past was like, what problems I was having, etc. He was very gentle as he looked over my teeth and kept explaining what was going on.

Unfortunately, because I had let them go so long I needed a root canal on my one front tooth. We scheduled it for Monday and I was on my way. That night I ended up in excruciating pain. I wanted to rip the tooth out myself! I called the office and they gave me an antibiotic and pain meds said that if anything changed to call the office.

Well something changed all right. I woke up at 2AM on Thursday with half of my face swollen up. I looked like I had been in a bar fight. My husband did take a picture, but definitely NOT sharing. It wasn't pretty! I called the office as soon as they opened and they got my in at 10 that morning.

The root canal was a piece of cake. I didn't have any problems with that. However, the excessive swelling has been haunting me since. It was finally noticeably better by Friday night. Of course all of this had to happen with my parents and my husband's family coming to celebrate my sons birthdays.

My face is mostly back to normal. I still have a little swelling right where the tooth is, but it is getting better. Of course, my lovely 5 year old decided to share his cold with me so now I feel like crap from that. UGH!

Trying to look at the silver lining, I lost 3 lbs this week because I couldn't chew!  The only other positive is that I finally found a dentist that I am comfortable with and can get everything taken care of.

If you are scared of the dentist like me, look into sedation dentistry. I ended up with just nitrous this time around, but they do offer oral sedation which I might look into for the bigger stuff coming up.


Do you have a fear of the dentist or are you one of those people who love to go?

My weekend

This weekend was my 2nd son's 8th birthday. It was a great weekend spent with my boys with  no fighting or meltdowns (a rarity in our house for sure)!

I am slowly trying to change my eating, and sadly Saturday was not a shining moment. We had homemade waffles with all the fixings for breakfast, Wendy's including a frosty :-(, and frozen pizza for dinner. Then as if that wasn't bad enough, I had an ice cream treat after the boys went to bed because I was stressed out about some stuff. Definitely not a good day.

On that bright side, I did go for a 2 mile walk with my friend before we left and I did quite a bit of walking (and carrying a heavy toddler) around the mall. I'm sure didn't make up for the crappy eating, but could have been worse.

Sunday the eating was better, but no exercise what so ever. I had evil shin splints from the walk and just didn't feel like it. Been fighting the urge to stress eat all day. A big bowl of ice cream or a donut sounded heavenly. I knew it wouldn't make me feel better long term so I resisted, but I really wanted it.

Stress is going to be a major factor in my life over the next few months and I have to get ahold of the mindless eating or I will be gain back the 10 pounds I lost plus some. I am hoping that the nicer weather will finally arrive and we won't be so cooped up in the house. I am not an outdoors person and I'm even less of a winter person so these past few months have been brutal on me.

Hoping for a nice relaxing Monday, if such a thing even exists!

Embarrasment

My sons do Kuk Sool Won, a Korean martial art. Their instructor has been trying to get my husband and I to join for years. This past weekend, they held a free parents class so we decided to give it a try. 

It was fun, but definitely proved how out of shape I am. It also made me even more aware of my embarrassment about my weight. The whole time you are taking class you are looking at yourself in the mirror. I was so caught up in how I looked doing the moves, that I wasn't enjoying the class. 

My entire life I have been worried about being embarrassed. After years of being tortured in school, I became even more shy and withdrawn. I have spent a good portion of my adult life making sure that I do everything just right so no one will talk about me. I suck at small talk and interacting with small groups of people. The flip side is give me a huge crowd and I am fine. It's because I can't pick out the one or two or 10 people that are talking about me. In small groups, I can see their faces and hear the whispers. Even if they aren't directed towards me, I think they are. 

My husband always tells me that most of my problems with losing weight is all in my head. I would probably agree with him (don't tell him that)! I overthink everything. I plan out every detail about losing weight and then when one thing falls out of place I am lost. I over think working out and if I can handle it. I am so scared of being embarrassed, even in my own home, that I will just skip doing it. 

I know that I have missed about on so many opportunities in my life because of my fear of embarrassment. I don't want to keep doing that. I just don't know how to change that part of my thinking. You would think that at my age it wouldn't matter anymore, but it does. There are mean girls (and guys) every where in this world. 

How do you handle embarrassment? Is it something that bothers you or are you a roll with the punches type of person?

So, motivation..

Motivation is the hardest part of weight loss in my opinion. The motivation to start, the motivation to keep going, and the motivation to keep it off. No matter where you are in your weight loss journey, you need to find your motivation to keep moving forward. 


My motivation to start is two fold. First it is my family. My husband and kids need me around. My boys are getting older and want to be more active. When I say that mommy can't do it, I can see the sadness in their eyes. It kills me. Yet it doesn't always motivate me. Sounds weird, right? It is my issue. I am lazy. Totally own it and know that I need to work on it. 

My other motivation is a sad one. This past week, I lost my best friend from high school. She is almost exactly 12 hours younger than I am and growing up people always called up twins. We did everything together. She is the reason I have the family I do today. I meant my husband through her because they went to college together.  As the years went on, we grew apart, but always kept in contact. In September of last year, she had a brain aneurysm. She struggled and fought for 6 long months and finally passed away this past week. To say it was a shot to the gut is an understatement. I am only 33 years old. I'm not supposed to be losing classmates at this age. Even though we weren't as close as we once were, the loss was a great one. Things can happen in an instant and if I am not willing to put in the time and effort it takes to lose weight then I am creating my own ticking time bomb. 

I'm not sure what my plan is right now. In the past I have planned everything out and then fallen off the wagon very quickly. I am great at the planning, the execution, not so much. 

My weight loss ups and downs

I am starting this blog as a way for me to document my journey. I hope that someday it becomes an inspiration to other people in my situation, but honestly I just need a place to get down my feelings, struggles, and triumphs on this journey. 

My weight struggles aren't that different from anyone else.  Here is a rundown of my ups and downs with the scale. Be aware, I had a lot of them!

I started gaining weight when I was 6. That year I had my tonsils out and could finally taste and swallow food without it hurting. It opened up a whole new world and I took advantage of it. My parents didn't know much about nutrition at that time and we ate a lot of boxed foods. 

As the years went by, my weight slowly kept creeping up. Middle school was the worst four years of my life. I was picked on, tortured, and just had a miserable existence. I would sneak food at home to try and make myself feel better. It would work for a few minutes, but I always had to go back to school. Luckily, I had a small group of friends that kept me sane. 

Middle school

High school I stayed pretty steady. I was still overweight, but not so much that it effected my life. I was in marching band and honors classes. I am a very shy person and my weight just magnified that. I still had a small group of friends, but I didn't participate in most of the high school rituals like prom or homecoming. 

During my freshman year of college I meant my now husband. I commuted to school so I didn't gain the freshman 15 like many people did. Instead, I slowly gained over my four years of school. Too many fast food stops, huge muffins in the cafe, and snacks in the car added up to about 20-30 pounds over four years. The only saving grace was my campus was on a hill so there was a lot of walking to and from class. I would hate to see what my weight would have been if I didn't have walk to walk that hill everyday! I got engaged my senior year and I swore that I would lose weight by the time I walked down the aisle. 

Sophomore year in college

And I did. I didn't get a job right out of college, so weight loss became my job. I worked out every day. I planned my meals and learned more about nutrition. I weighed 145 the day I got married. While it is still a lot of weight on my tiny 5 foot frame, I felt like a million dollars. 

My wedding day

The newlywed phase was rough. My husband was in the Navy and gone a lot. I was away from home for the first time and it is a strange city. It was easier to stop and grab fast food (and we had a ton of choices) than cook something just for myself. I ate because I was lonely and bored. I used my shyness as an excuse to not meet new people and try new things. 

I got pregnant before our first anniversary. I only gained about 25 pounds with the pregnancy. I was sick the first 3 months and lost quite a bit of weight. I had complications when he was born and couldn't more around much. I ended up gaining another 10-20 pounds before he was six months old. 

Homecoming (my lowest weight in a LONG time)

My husband was getting ready for deployment for 6 months. I really wanted to lose the weight. My son was getting more mobile and I was having a hard time keeping up with him. I decided to make it my goal to lose 40 lbs while my husband was gone. I was living between my parents and my inlaws and had no responsibility other than taking care of myself and my son. I worked out, cut down my portions, skipped high fat dressings/gravies, and treated myself once a week. I kept the whole thing a surprise from my husband and he barely recognized me when I meant him at homecoming. I felt so much better and was really looking forward to having my family back together. 

Unfortunately, my good feeling was short lived. We lived in a hotel for almost three months after he got back and I put on almost a quarter of what I had lost. 

After baby #2

Over the next 10 years I had three more sons and watched my weight slowly creep up. There were a few times where I would buckle down and lose some weight, but I always put it back on and then some. 

This past summer (my highest weight) I can't believe I am sharing this!

Next post I will talk about what is my motivation this time and how I got here.